


Hawk Moth and Humor

by TooLazyToBeCreative



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alcohol, Fanart, Gen, Hawk Moth has a sense of humor, Hawk Moth is lonely and somewhat insane, Hawk Moth's Identity Is Ambiguous, Swearing, as in they're made in MS paint, maybe a crackfic? idk, very poorly made picture of every new akuma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-22 10:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9603488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooLazyToBeCreative/pseuds/TooLazyToBeCreative
Summary: "It had been a long time since Hawk Moth enjoyed himself, let alonelaughed. He missed the feeling.Perhaps there is a place for “joke akumas” in his plan to obtain ultimate power. Besides, he had no shortage of akumas, no shortage of emotional citizens. He could do with some occasional happiness.Until he needed to get serious, that is. "Basically, Hawk Moth starts making terribly cheesy, nearly harmless akumas for his own amusement.





	1. Liam Moreau

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It had been a long time since Hawk Moth enjoyed himself, let alone _laughed_. He missed the feeling.
> 
> Perhaps there is a place for “joke akumas” in his plan to obtain ultimate power. Besides, he had no shortage of akumas, no shortage of emotional citizens. He could do with some occasional happiness.
> 
> Until he needed to get serious, that is. "
> 
> Basically, Hawk Moth starts making terribly cheesy, nearly harmless akumas for his own amusement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to use the beginning notes to clarify a few things:
> 
> Hawk Moth has the Mrs. Agreste picture from the origins episode, but instead of it being inside his Miraculous (at least I think that's what happens in that scene? I'm not sure), he has it inside a locket, and he keeps it on his person while transformed. 
> 
> Additionally, a lot of the characters in the show have already been akumatized, and I want the akumas to be themed around the person _being_ akumatized, so I'm going to make a new character to be akumatized for every chapter (probably). See the bottom of the end notes for a half-assed backstory for this chapter's akumatized civilian.
> 
> I am American, so I will be using the American terms and names for most of the stuff in the series (except I refuse to use "Cat" as opposed to "Chat"). My apologies if anyone finds this annoying. 
> 
> ALSO JUST LETTING EVERYONE KNOW I AM _NOT_ AN ARTIST.

The fight to get Ladybug and Chat Noir’s Miraculouses had been much more challenging than Hawk Moth anticipated.

“Damn it!” Hawk Moth exclaimed as he sat in the dark-purple recliner he added to his Akuma Room.

He sighed. “Another loss. If this keeps up, I’ll be in the triple digits soon…” He confessed reluctantly.

The room was bathed in darkness as the Akumatization Window closed itself. Hawk Moth clapped his hands together to enable the lamps he installed.

Hawk Moth was frustrated; he had sent akuma after akuma to combat Paris’ heroic duo, but the heroes’ teamwork was impeccable, their one-liners incredible. They were certainly formidable foes.

But so was Hawk Moth.

"This would be much easier if I could send multiple akumas simultaneously. Two against one is hard,” the masked man continued aloud, longing for friends to listen to him. “But two against two, or three against two, however…,” he trailed off, wondering if such a feat would be possible.

“Or, what if I could akumatize myself?” Hawk Moth pondered, “hmm… perhaps I could put the akuma inside my Miraculous…” he said as he closed his eyes and stroked his chin.

“Miraculous jewels are indestructible, so they’d _never_ be able to purify it… Yes, I would be unstoppable! I could finally be victorious!” He continued, raising his arms above his head as he released an evil laugh which intimidated the various butterflies present in the room. “Muahahaha!”

The masked man lowered his arms and took a deep breath. “If only. Now, how else can I improve my Akuma Lair?” he asked himself, as he stood from his chair to survey the barren room. “I can’t add any more lights, that would destroy the balance of the room. And I _don’t need_ more than one chair…” He admitted angrily through gritted teeth. “A desk, perhaps?”

Hawk Moth inserted his right arm into his jacket pocket to retrieve the locket he always held on his person. He flipped it open and fondly rubbed his thumb over the picture within, a habit he often repeated when he needed inspiration. If only he could talk to her… or anybody that wasn’t an akuma. The only things he could talk to consistently were his butterflies, and they didn’t seem too fond of him.

“Wait, that’s it! I should add a butterfly perch!” He declared with a grin and a fire in his eyes. He closed the locket and placed it back into his pocket.

“Yes, that could increase morale. Perhaps if I make the butterflies happy, they’ll be able to further magnify negative emotions, and create more powerful minions...” The man considered as he placed his cane on his shoulders and draped his wrists over it. Another habit of his.

Hawk Moth shook his head and sighed. “No, that doesn’t make any sense. Why would their happiness magnify the negativity of others?”

Hawk Moth stood in the darkness a moment longer before he angrily groaned and turned towards the exit, cane in hand. He would try again tomorrow.

Failure was not an option.

* * *

“Another day, another akumatized civilian,” Hawk Moth announced tiredly as he sat down in his Akuma Recliner.

Shortly after, he felt energy tingle throughout his body. The villain sat up straight and opened his eyes fully. “I can finally feel the negativity of someone!”

Hawk Moth furrowed his brow in concentration, trying to locate the individual. “Ah, near the… Agreste headquarters? Perhaps an aspiring designer had their work stolen, or someone sabotaged them?” He theorized as he grinned and released a brief chuckle. “No time to waste!” He shouted as he stood from his seat.

Hawk Moth gently picked up the nearest butterfly and wrapped his masculine hands around it. He infused his dark magic into the butterfly, and released it through his Akumatization Window.

It wouldn’t be long, now.

* * *

“How dare they?” Shouted a young man sitting on the sidewalk, outside the Agreste Fashion building. “I worked so hard, and they just… just…,” he trailed off with teary eyes before he finished with an angry sigh.

He was unaware of the akuma until it flew into his horribly ugly hat.

A terrifying butterfly outline covered his face. “Hello, I am Hawk Moth! I ca-“

“I’m Liam,” the man interrupted.

Hawk Moth remained silent for a moment. “Riiiight. Anyway, I can feel you’ve been wronged by the designers of Paris,” Hawk Moth explained, already aware that Liam was going to be a failure.

“Oh, yeah! You won’t believe it, Hawk Moth sir! Look at my designs, I worked so hard on them!” The man claimed as he looked down at his sketchbook, allowing Hawk Moth to see the designs he spoke of.

Hawk Moth was stunned. “Wow… Those are terrible.”

“What!?” Liam shrieked.

Hawk Moth realized his blunder. “-bly unfortunate. For the other designers, that is. Because they’re _so good_ , my friend!” Hawk Moth stated as seriously as he could. “In fact, I can give you the power to right these… ‘wrongs’ you have suffered, and force the world to experience your fashion!”

“Yes! I accept, Hawk Moth sir!” Liam agreed excitedly.

Black and purple magic bubbled over Liam, the magic filling him with energy, and he could feel the power flowing through his body. He rose to his feet and approached the window of the Agreste Fashion building, so he could inspect his new appearance in the reflection of the windows.

The akumatized man stood taller than he did as a civilian, with his skin dark purple, and his hair white as snow. On his head, he wore a large red top hat with a purple butterfly on it, and white sunglasses over his eyes. His torso consisted of a yellow tank top and an orange jacket which split into five coattails at the bottom. Finally, his lower half was clothed in green, baggy pants, coupled with pink shoes.

His long white hair and glorious moustache flowed vibrantly in the afternoon breeze.

“I name you… The Disappointer!” Hawk Moth announced, before he covered his mouth to snicker from within his lair.

“Yeah! The Disapp… wait, what?” Liam was dumbfounded at his name, but impressed with how stylish he looked.

“Yes, because that corporation will be disappointed they didn’t accept your fashion sooner.” Hawk Moth clarified, barely even trying.

“Oh…” Liam began, as he considered the name before he nodded in agreement. “Yeah, that’s pretty clever. Thank you, sir!” The designer said before he departed to unleash his horrible fashion onto unsuspecting Parisians.

It wouldn’t be long before Ladybug and Chat Noir came to undoubtedly save the day.

* * *

Hawk Moth sat in his Akuma Recliner, almost wishing he couldn’t see through the eyes of his akumas. Liam’s fashion sense was certainly… unique. It was _baffling_ that he was having difficulty getting picked up in the industry.

“I feel like I’m forgetting something,” Hawk Moth commented to himself as he took a sip from his wine. “Ah well, if I forgot then it probably wasn’t important.”

Hawk Moth reclined further in his chair, content to watch as his admittedly harmless akuma “terrorized” the city. The masked man’s eyes widened in anticipation of the next horrible outfit Liam would bestow upon someone. Perhaps a tie covered in internet memes combed with a poorly fitted suit? Maybe the akumatized man would dress people in tacky Halloween costumes? Hawk Moth smiled as he pondered what the next outfit would be.

Then it dawned on him.

Releasing such a weak akuma, one he knew would definitely be defeated, was a different sensation than when he normally released them. The Disappointer was nothing more than a joke, obviously. Yet, creating him…

It was fun.

* * *

“Oh, my god,” Ladybug muttered as she laid her eyes on the sight before her. As her gaze traveled forward, she eventually noticed The Disappointer, standing separate from the rest of the _incredibly stylish_ Parisians. “What the hell is that?” She shouted as she pointed at the akuma.

Chat’s jaw dropped as he viewed the outfits of the citizens. “I, uh… I guess it’s an akuma, my Lady?” He replied, almost unsure if _that_ was really an akuma. “At least it doesn’t look like he’s hurt anybody, right?”

“Yeah,” she agreed, “I think he’s just… changing their clothes? Think that's all he can do?”

“Hard to say. But, do you think that will remove our abilities? Like with Reflekta?” Chat questioned, unwilling to experience _that_ again.

“Good question, but I don’t think we should test that theory, kitty. It’s time to go!” She shouted as the duo charged towards The Disappointer.

They quickly arrived in front of the man, and took defensive poses as they prepared for the akuma to attack them.

“Oh, hello! I am ‘The Disappointer’! Nice to meet you,” The Disappointer introduced as he did a friendly wave of the hand.

Chat Noir and Ladybug exchanged confused looks before turning back towards the akuma.

“Uh, hi?” Ladybug replied awkwardly, “are you the one who’s been, y’know… doing this?” She finished as she gestured to the surrounding citizens.

“Yes, I am. Hawk Moth gave me the power to make my fashion dreams come true! Aren’t they stylish?” The Disappointer explained obliviously, with a large smile on his face.

“Is that… _all_ you’re trying to do?” Ladybug asked, unsure how to react to the man.

* * *

Hawk Moth nearly choked on his drink. “Oh, that’s what I forgot!” He yelled between coughs as he grabbed his cane and stood from his recliner.

“Hey, Disappointer. I completely forgot that in exchange for your power, you must take their Miraculouses. The girl wears earrings, the boy wears a ring. Get them,” Hawk Moth shouted.

“What? But they seem like such nice kids,” The Disappointer responded, earning confused looks from the heroes.

“Do it or I’ll take away your powers,” Hawk Moth threatened casually, having said the same words many times before.

“That can’t happen! I’ll do it, Hawk Moth sir! I will get their Miraculouses!”

Hawk Moth didn’t speak further. Instead, he opted to go back to his Akuma Recliner and sip his wine like a gentleman.

The show was about to begin.

* * *

The Disappointer turned to face Ladybug and Chat Noir. His determination had been sparked, and he knew what he had to do.

“Give me your Miraculouses!” He demanded.

“No," The heroes responded in unison.

“Then I’ll be forced to make you!” He shouted quickly as he shot out two magical beams, one from each of his hands.

The beams came unexpectedly, and were extremely quick. Neither Ladybug nor Chat Noir had a chance to dodge them from such a close range.

“Ladybug, no!” Chat exclaimed as both he and Ladybug were covered in purple light.

After a moment, the light faded, revealing each hero on their hands and knees, in the middle of the street.

Ladybug was clad in a neon green leather jacket and a frilly yellow skirt, both placed directly on top of her red suit. Meanwhile, Chat Noir was now wearing a teal polo shirt and a pair of bright pink jeans, also directly over his suit.

“Is this… is this a men’s jacket?” Ladybug asked incredulously as she rose to her feet. “This doesn’t even fit!”

“I like to break the mold,” The Disappointer declared with a confident wink.

“You know,” Chat began from behind, drawing Ladybug’s attention, “with the right colors, that could be stylish on you.”

Ladybug glared at Chat so intensely that it caused the boy to gulp and take a step back.

“Just get the thing,” the furious heroine ordered before she charged The Disappointer, spinning her yoyo above her head.

Chat Noir unsheathed his silver baton and followed behind her.

Ladybug began the assault with a flying kick, easily connecting with the chest of the akuma, knocking the man onto his buttocks. She prepared to continue her assault, but paused when the man spoke.

“Ow, what the hell, lady?” The Disappointer questioned, hurt both physically and emotionally.

Ladybug was bewildered at the man’s reaction, and stepped back in confusion. “What? Aren’t you trying to _steal_ our Miraculouses? Did you think we'd just let you?”

“No, but I wasn’t gonna fight you, geez. I was going to let you keep that outfit – it was going to be a trade!” The Disappointer explained, thoroughly confused as to how someone could refuse his generous offer.

Ladybug was unamused, even as both Chat Noir and Hawk Moth broke out into hysterical laughter. She stomped towards The Disappointer with an angry scowl.

The Disappointer was petrified with fear, unable to react even as Ladybug snatched the hat he wore. She ripped it in half, freeing the akuma.

Ladybug purified the akuma, and as she released her healing magic, the Parisians affected by The Disappointer’s dark magic had their original outfits restored.

As Ladybug’s outfit disappeared, she was once again left in just her super suit, as was Chat Noir.

The Disappointer’s outfit bubbled away in a display of black and purple magic, revealing Liam.

“Oh, man… what happened?” Liam asked, visibly shaken.

“You were akumatized, sir, but don’t worry. Everything is ok now,” Ladybug explained in an attempt to comfort the man.

Liam smiled as he learned the day was saved. A moment later, his face twisted into a disappointed frown.

“No, not everything is ok… my designs are still failures. Nobody will accept them,” he informed Ladybug, trying to fight the tears. “My dream will never come true…”

“Not with that attitude,” Ladybug said as she placed a hand on Liam’s shoulder. “You just need to keep at it! One lucky break, and you can make it! Never give up on your dreams,” Ladybug lied confidently, already aware that Liam’s designs were some of the worst designs to ever curse the Earth.

She finished with a friendly bump on the shoulder, and Liam’s eyes lit up as he reclaimed his belongings, holding his sketchbook close to his heart.

“You’re right, Ladybug! In a year or two, the ‘Liam Moreau’ brand will be an international hit! Watch out _Agreste Fashion_! There’s a new kid in town,” the man shouted to the world, before he began to jog down the street.

Ladybug watched as the man returned home. “Poor guy,” she whispered to herself.

* * *

“Ha! That was amazing,” Hawk Moth cackled from within his Akuma Lair.

“Did you see that, Buttlerfly #63? Those outfits were so dumb! And Ladybug's little speech was so cheesy,” he continued, shamelessly talking to his butterflies.

It had been a long time since Hawk Moth enjoyed himself, let alone _laughed_. He missed the feeling.

Perhaps there is a place for “joke akumas” in his plan to obtain ultimate power. Besides, he had no shortage of akumas, no shortage of emotional citizens. He could do with some occasional happiness.

Until he needed to get serious, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the story, and if not, feel free to tell me why I am a failure. Self-deprecation, aho!
> 
> Talking time:  
> I made Ladybug get mad about the terrible fashion since, from her perspective, it just looks like someone being petty and ruining fashion out of jealousy. Given that fashion design is her passion, this would probably ruffle her feathers. Just throwing this out there, since I didn't want her to seem like an overly aggressive jerk.
> 
>  
> 
> The backstory for Liam, written in the "tell, don't show" style.  
> Liam Moreau: His hat was his late father's favorite hat, despite being ugly and nonsensical. It is his most prized possession, hence why it was akumatized over his sketchpad.  
> He is 27, his mother is absent become I'm original, and his father raised him alone.  
> He is an aspiring fashion designer (kind of like Marinette, only his stuff is terrible). However, his designs aren't just terrible for the sake of comedy; they're inspired by his father's wacky and zany style. In other words, his entire "line" of fashion is a tribute to his father, the man he loved more than anyone. His dream is for his fashion to become famous despite being ugly, in honor of the father who did so much for him. He has been trying valiantly (and failing spectacularly) to make this dream a reality for 9 years. Remember his comment to Ladybug about nobody accepting his designs? That wasn't hyperbole.  
> That's his story, but I made it up in like 10 minutes, so please forgive the lack of depth.  
> I didn't want him to just to be an akuma that happened to have a name, so it is what it is.


	2. Jim Girard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story's elusive plot makes a brief appearance, there is _amazing_ foreshadowing, Chat is slightly insecure, Ladybug is sassy, and there is appreciation for man-butt.
> 
> Also, gratuitous amounts of puns. 
> 
> Also also, it's a gym-based akuma.
> 
> Also also also, there's an _actual_ fight scene. Booyah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to dedicate this chapter to Google Images - you gave me so many questionable images when I googled "glorious man butt".
> 
> Anyway, I literally rewrote this _entire_ chapter three times before I finally got to this one. This one is intentionally less humorous than The Disappointer, and that's because I needed to set up the minor amount of plot in this story. Also, the fan"art" I drew for this one is big. Like, "way bigger than I wanted" big. I was zoomed in and didn't pay attention to how big I was making it. Sorry about that. Also, it's a little blurry because I tried to resize it. Did it work? No. Am I disappointed? Yes.
> 
> Also, Wikipedia told me the plural of "sclera" is "sclerae," so I'm going to go with that.
> 
> Next chapter will be Valentine's themed, and it will be absurd.
> 
> (I'm going to edit this again later, I'm tired right now).

Hawk Moth strut into his Akuma Lair with a smile on his face, and his head held high. It was going to be a good day for akumatizing people, he could feel it. It didn’t even bother him that the akuma for the day was most likely going to be a failure.

In fact, he was planning on it.

Regardless, Hawk Moth wasn’t going to just _give_ Ladybug and Chat Noir the win. It would be difficult to make an akuma absurd _and_ effective, but every great victory required sacrifice.

Hawk Moth was broken from his diabolical reverie when he felt it – the negative emotions of some random Parisian. Someone was upset, and it was time to roll the dice on where the unsuspecting citizen would be located.

Hawk Moth closed his eyes and focused his power, searching for the emotion.

The masked man sighed when he located the man. “Damn it. It's a gym, not a deli…,” he admitted disappointedly.

Hawk Moth crouched down to wrap his strong, gloved hands around a butterfly. He infused it with his dark energy as his Akumatization Window opened. He released the akuma, and watched as it fluttered through the window in search of its target.

Hawk Moth grinned.

“Let the games begin, heroes.”

* * *

Jim groaned in disbelief as he stomped out of the gym.

“Bullshit!” He shouted as he angrily threw an arm into the air. “ _‘Too aggressive’_ to be a personal trainer? Yeah, right. I’m _inspiring_ people!” The man ranted, ignoring the looks he was receiving.  

Jim wiped his face with his gym towel, then sighed. “That makes seven gyms I have been permanently banned from!” He yelled as he shook his fist at the gym.

His rage blinded him to the akuma that flew into his towel.

A purple butterfly outline appeared over his face.

“Hello, Jim. I am Hawk Moth!”

Jim remained silent as he raised his eyebrows. “Are you going to make me a supervillain?”

“No, Jim. You won’t be a supervillain,” Hawk Moth lied, smiling from within his Akuma Lair. “You _will_ be powerful, however. But you won’t be a villain, you’ll just be a man dedicated to physical health. In fact, I’d even say you’ll be _helping_ people.”

“Helping them?” Jim questioned, his curiosity piqued.

“Oh, yes. And all you have to do is bring me Ladybug's and Chat Noir’s miraculouses.”

Jim hesitated for a moment, before he reluctantly nodded his head in agreement. “I accept.”

The trainer hunched forward as black and purple magic bubbled over his body. After his transformation was completed, he ran back into the gymnasium to see what he looked like. Jim was unfazed by the screaming gymgoers who all ran in terror when they saw him.

Jim was _very_ impressed with his appearance.

His skin color had changed to dark orange, as if he was incredibly tanned. He had black weight plates looped over each shoulder which continued towards each of his armpits, both his forearms were covered in sport tape, and he wore lifting gloves on each hand. His chest was unclothed, so as to show off his huge pecs and manly abdomen. His legs were clad in purple gym shorts, and he wore black socks with purple sneakers on his feet.

However, Jim couldn’t even recognize his own face; he now had black sclerae, purple irises, white pupils, and a red outline around his eyes. Atop his head, he wore what he thought looked like a crown of dumbbells, and above each of his manly nipples, there was a purple butterfly.

The newly formed akuma flexed in the mirror as he admired his sexy biceps, and well-toned legs.

“I name you… Jimnasiu-nialator!” Hawk Moth announced, proud of how many puns he managed to fit into that name.

“Haha! Now, I’ve got work to do…,” Jimnasiu-nialator commented to himself as he walked out of the recently emptied gym.

* * *

Hawk Moth grunted as he pushed his new Akuma Mobile Wine Cabinet next to his Akuma Recliner. He was careful not to scuff the floor with the wheels of the cabinet – he may be a supervillain, but he can still have style.

Hawk Moth glanced at the Akuma Clock he installed above his Akumatization Window.

“Finished moving this just in time, I suppose," he said as he caught his breath. "They’ll likely arrive soon,” he guessed, having completely ignored the akuma so far. The masked villain couldn’t even remember what powers he gave the akuma. The man shrugged then returned to his current task.

Hawk Moth opened the cabinet to grab a bottle of wine, only to sigh when he realized the cabinet wasn’t stocked.

The villain gandered at the bottle on the end table next to his recliner.

“That’s my last bottle,” he admitted, dejectedly. He turned his gaze back towards the wine cabinet. “It cost so much I just _assumed_ it would have wine inside of it. Ugh, how disappointing,” he finished as he walked towards his recliner and sat down.

Hawk Moth poured the rest of his bottle into his new custom made Akuma Chalice – it was modeled to look like a tornado of purple and black butterflies – before he took a swig.

Hawk Moth gave a short look around the room, watching as disorganized butterflies fluttered about. Some landed on the floor, others landed on the various items he had added. The villain frowned at the sight.

“Maybe I _should_ get them a perch…”

* * *

Chat Noir and Ladybug sat atop a building, peering down at Jimnasiu-nialator. They watched as Jimnasiu-nialator chased after people, and the heroes snickered as they saw civilians easily outrun the slow-moving akuma. Their laughter was stopped when the orange slab of meat punched a car, and they watched as it burst into white smoke and white light. When the smoke and light faded, a bench press stood where the car once did.

The two heroes gasped in shock as they realized the akuma could turn things into gym equipment.

Jimnasiu-nialator looked towards them, having heard the loud gasps they made. He beckoned with his hand for them to come face him. “Come on, it’s timed to _GET PUMPED!_ ” the beefcake called out as he did a fist pump.

“He’s really slow,” Ladybug began, "so just outmaneuver him until we can figure out where the akuma is, ok?” She advised to Chat, hoping he wouldn’t do anything stupid.

“As if he’d be able to land a finger on a cat as agile as myself,” Chat replied, prepared to do something stupid. He gave a moderately impressive flex to calm Ladybug.

Ladybug and Chat Noir leapt off the building, both landing heroically in the street. Ladybug did her signature Ladybug Pose™ after landing, whereas Chat did a fanboyish gasp upon seeing the pose.

“Enough! Your evildoing is at an end… you!” Ladybug called out to the akuma on the sidewalk, resisting the urge to giggle once she noticed Jimnasiu-nialator’s man-nipple-butterflies.

“I am helping Paris become more fit. And for your information, my _name_ is Jimnasiu-nialator!” Jimnasiu-nialator announced as he began flexing his gigantic biceps.

Ladybug’s mouth gaped when she heard the name. She wondered if Hawk Moth was even trying with his akuma names anymore. After a moment, the heroine turned to Chat.

“Looks like Hawk Moth is out-punning you, today,” she said with a playful smirk.

Chat scoffed. “Pfffttt. Yeah, sure. Two puns? I’m _purr_ etty _cat_ fident that I can top that,” he argued, slightly offended that Ladybug doubted his pun skills.

Ladybug groaned at the puns, before her eyes narrowed as she considered something.

“Hey, Jimnasi-whatever, how is your name spelled?” Ladybug asked as she turned towards Jimnasiu-nialator.

From within his Akuma Lair, Hawk Moth grinned before he sat his chalice on his end table and grabbed his cane.

Jimnasiu-nialator’s face was covered by the familiar butterfly outline as he looked upwards. He remained like that for a moment, before he nodded his head in understanding. He turned towards Ladybug.

“Hawk Moth said it’s spelled ‘J-I-M-’”

“Oh, my god!” Ladybug shouted, interrupting the akuma. “Jim, gymnasium, annihilator- Chat, it’s three puns, not two,” she finished as she groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Hawk Moth is a formidable foe, my Lady,” Chat said as he took an offensive battle pose and bared his teeth, like a panther ready to pounce. He unsheathed his baton and extended it into a staff. “Let’s see if his akuma’s strength matches his wit.”

Ladybug stared at Chat for a moment, trying to decipher Chat’s sudden aggression. It was unlike him to be so determined, and the boy looked like a child who just had Christmas canceled.

She gasped. “Are you _jealous_ of Hawk Moth's punning?”

Chat scoffed again before he looked away. “No.”

Ladybug gave an open-mouthed smile as she stared at Chat, making a mental note to tease him later. She took a battle pose of her own, unclipping her yoyo from her waist and turning to face Jimnasiu-nialator.

Both heroes were prepared for battle.

Jimnasiu-nialator did a final flex, then charged at the duo, snarling like an enraged animal. He lowered his head as he charged, intent to smash his foes with his blunt crown of dumbbells.

Ladybug and Chat both sidestepped the attack, confident that Jimnasiu-nialator couldn’t even see them with his head so low. The akuma continued past them, all the way across the street, and it appeared he would collide with a building on the other side.

Neither hero expected Jimnasiu-nialator to elegantly swivel on his heal, and kick off the ground with his manly calves. He propelled himself towards Ladybug as he raised his fists in preparation to turn her into gym equipment. Ladybug may have been caught off-guard by Jimnasiu-nialator’s speed, but she still managed to roll out of way as the meat slab flew right past her.

Jimnasiu-nialator flew straight through multiple cars, all of them exploding into various gym equipment; a treadmill, a stack of dumbbells, a cheesy motivational poster. There was a lot of junk.

Chat Noir ran towards the orange beefcake, intent to buy Ladybug time to figure out the akuma’s hiding spot.

Jimnasiu-nialator stood from the wreckage he caused.

“You are fast, I’ll give you that," he began as he extended his arms. "...But it’s time for the _GUNSHOW!_ ” Jimnasiu-nialator screamed as he did an impressive flex. It was unlike the flex he did earlier; his  _GUNSHOW_ flex had so much more emotion, so much much more  _fury_.

The flex stopped Chat in his tracks, because it was just _that_ impressive.

From within his Akuma Lair, Hawk Moth wished he could see just how impressive the flex must have been.

Ladybug closed her mouth and shook her head. “Focus!” She reminded herself.

The spotted heroine paid close attention to the black towel which swooshed above Jimnasiu-nialator’s glorious, well-defined man-butt.

Her gaze was broken as she heard Chat slap himself.

“Hey, Chat! I think it’s his gym towel!” The spotted heroine called over to Chat.

Ladybug's voice caused Chat to look back towards her, and away from Jimnasiu-nialator.

Jimnasiu-nialator saw his opportunity for attack. As Chat looked away, the akumatized man instantly stopped flexing, and launched himself towards Chat Noir. His fists were raised, ready to even the odds.

Ladybug shrieked as she saw an explosion of white light and white smoke. She couldn't see anything through the smoke, and prepared for the worst. The smoke began to fade, and Ladybug clenched her fists to her chest as she saw Chat Noir.

…lifting weights on a bench press.

“Ladybug, please! You have to stop him!” Chat called out, terror in his voice.

Ladybug opened her mouth, ready to assure her partner that she could save the day.

“If you don’t, I’ll be too attractive! You will _never_ be able to resist me,” he added with a wink and a grin.

Ladybug closed her mouth, and glared as harshly as she could.

Jimnasiu-nialator leaned against the bench press Chat was using. “Hey, move your arms further apart, kid. It’s important to have proper form, understand?”

Chat’s body moved on its own, unable to defy Jimnasiu-nialator’s instructions.

Ladybug used that opportunity to summon her Lucky Charm. She held out her arms as a high-protein vitamin drink fell into her hands. The girl was lucky to have created such a straight-forward item.

“Jiiiiiim!” Ladybug hailed as she walked towards Jimnasiu-nialator, holding up the alluring drink.

Jimnasiu-nialator’s eyes were fixed on the drink, and he licked his lips.

“You’ve been working pretty hard, I think you deserve a break,” Ladybug added as she extended the drink towards the akuma, a friendly smile upon her face.

Jimnasiu-nialator smiled and his eyes began to well with tears. “You know, it’s so nice to be appreciated for once,” he said as he rubbed his eyes. “Sometimes, it just feels like nobody appreciates how hard I work, y’know?” He confessed as he took the drink and lifted it to his lips, closing his eyes as he reveled in the flavor. It was orange flavored – his favorite.

Ladybug snuck behind the man and grabbed his towel. She ripped it in half, watching as an akuma flew out of it. Jimnasiu-nialator choked on his drink when he tried to gasp dramatically as the akuma was captured and purified.

Ladybug snatched the bottle Jimnasiu-nialator was drinking and stepped back to throw it into the air, releasing her healing ladybugs to return everything to normal.

The heroine chuckled as she watched Chat fall to the ground beside Jimnasiu-nialator, making an audible “oof” sound as he landed. At the same time, black and purple magic bubbled over Jimnasiu-nialator’s figure, revealing a slightly less-buff man.

“Wha-… ugh, what happened? Why am I in the street?” Jim asked as he stood up, dazed from his ordeal.

Chat rose to his feet and patted the man’s back as Ladybug wandered off to speak with approaching reporters. “I am sorry to tell you this, but you were akumatied by Hawk Moth,” Chat explained softly.

Jim ignored Chat’s words as he gave the hero a once over.

“I know exactly how we can buff you up, kid,” he told Chat, completely ignoring that he was akumatized mere minutes ago.

Chat stepped back. “Uh… I appreciate the offer, but no thank you, sir. I don’t think I need a personal trainer,” he declined as politely as possible.

Jim was undeterred. “Ha! Yes, you do. Look how skinny you are! Need to buff up to fight crime, am I right?” He leaned in close to Chat. “And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone who you are,” Jim whispered with a grin.

“What? No!” Chat squawked as he took another step back.

Jim stepped closer again. “Ok, ok! I get it, privacy is important. You can keep the mask on, but that,” the man added as he gestured towards Chat’s suit, “might be uncomfortable to workout in.”

Chat stepped away once more. “I won't be working out in it, and I'll have you know it is _very_ comfortable,” Chat informed firmly.

Jim bounced towards Chat and wrapped an arm around the hero’s shoulders. “Look, I can tell that under your mask, you’re a bad boy-”

“I’m a literal superhero,” Chat cut in as he narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

“I meant to say pretty boy, sorry, slip of the tongue! Anyway, let me be the first to say: I get it.”

Chat raised an eyebrow, aware that Jim definitely did not get it.

“What do I get, you ask?” Jim continued, ignoring that Chat didn’t ask. “I get it when I see a boy in love.”

Chat immediately looked over to Ladybug, who was happily talking to Alya. Ladybug placed a hand on her earrings, and Chat knew what that meant. He needed to get away from Jim so he could at least say good bye.

Chat turned back towards Jim, and frowned at the man’s smirk.

“You know, ladies love muscles,” Jim added as he used his free hand to bump Chat’s chest.

Chat’s frown deepened as he realized Jim was trying to play him after he _just_ got de-akumatized.

“Whoa, look at that! It’s a man holding up a sign that says, ‘I need a personal trainer!’” Chat yelled as he pointed behind Jim.

Jim immediately turned around, breathing heavily as he smelled a new client.

Chat lied. Jim turned back to resume badgering the boy, but the sneaky hero was already long gone. The man saw Chat next to Ladybug, and sighed as he saw the two heroes bump their fists.

“Maybe there _is_ a reason I keep getting fired…,” Jim considered reluctantly.  

* * *

Hawk Moth stood in place as his Akumatization Window closed. He remained in place, even as his lair was bathed in darkness.

He clapped his hands to turn on his Akuma Lights.

“Ah, I love manipulating people’s emotions,” Hawk Moth muttered to himself as he smiled and closed his eyes.

He extended his arms upward, and took a deep breath. Jimnasiu-nialator was nowhere near as helpless as The Disappointer, but he was still destined for failure from the beginning. Regardless, Hawk Moth felt slightly disappointed with the day’s akuma; he wasn’t strong enough, and he wasn’t silly enough.

“I suppose Jimnasiu-nialator was the _true_ Disappointer…” Hawk Moth concluded as he opened his eyes and rubbed his chin. He propped his cane over his shoulders and threw his wrists over it.

“Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way?” The masked villain asked as he turned towards his butterflies. If only they could talk.

Hawk Moth stood rigid as he wondered how he could really entertain himself with his akumas. He wouldn’t be able to succeed by just throwing random akumas at Ladybug and Chat Noir every single day, so he’d need to be more creative if he wanted to win. But in that moment, it wasn't about winning; it was about fun. Upon reflection, half of Hawk Moth’s fun with The Disappointer was simply messing with Ladybug and Chat Noir.

Hawk Moth’s eyebrows raised as he opened his mouth.

“I _was_ wrong. I don’t just have one toy…,” Hawk Moth began as he dropped his arms and grinned.

“…I have three.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, that deli thing is totally going to happen later, and trust me, it's going to be so ridiculous. Also, for this chapter, I originally had Kim be the one to cause the akuma, since I imagine he'd go to the gym a lot, but I just couldn't get it to work. Every rewrite just made the akuma seem like an unlikable prick. He's still kind of a prick, but at least now there's a reason beyond "I NEED TO USE THIS NAME I THOUGHT OF." 
> 
> Backstory for Jim, written in the "tell, don't show" style.  
> Jim Girard: He is 31, and he loves his family more than anything. His gym towel is his akumatized object because it was the first towel he bought after becoming a certified personal trainer, and it holds a lot of good memories (and sweat). He is a very fit man, never missing a single workout, and eating perfectly; his body is his pride, and he hopes to help other people reach his level. He is so adamant about training people because his brother, who was his best friend, died from heart disease due to his unhealthy lifestyle. Despite being skilled at creating healthy meal plans, workout schedules, and workout routines, Jim keeps getting fired because he just won't accept when people decline his services. He receives terrible reviews, and his clients often leave him because he's too much to deal with.
> 
> I promise next akuma's civilian identity won't have death as their motivator.


	3. Valentine's Day and the Death of a Legend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawk Moth suffers the consequences of making joke akumas, and a legendary man finds his final resting place.
> 
> ALSO: Minor references to sexual intercourse. I do not feel a rating bump is necessary, since it's just some lowbrow, implied humor, but I thought I'd let y'all know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There I was, playing video games when I remembered I forgot to finish and upload this chapter. Haha, whoops!
> 
> So just a forewarning: I didn't put much thought into the backstory of this akuma. I wrote like 3 backstories, but scrapped all of them (see end notes for some of my failed ideas for this chapter). The backstory is pretty much "person gets upset on Valentine's Day," since it's a pretty common thing. It's pretty basic, but hey, Alya's dad got akumatized because Kim wanted to race his panther. Just wanted to throw that out there.

Hawk Moth slumped into his Akuma Recliner as he struggled to think of a good plan.

“Gah, that’s terrible,” the villain grumbled as he crumbled another piece of paper then threw it into his Akuma Garbage Can.

Hawk Moth took a deep breath before he retrieved a new piece of paper. “It’s Valentine’s Day, so obviously the akuma needs to be love based…,” he decided as he rubbed his chin. “But I’ve already done ‘destroying love’ with Dark Cupid, so I need something different…”

The well-dressed villain was about to reach for his locket, only to stop just before his hand entered the pocket. His eyes widened.

“But I’ve never made an akuma that _creates_ love…” He said with a grin.

The diabolical masked man rubbed his hands together evilly, before he separated them to pick up a nearby butterfly. The insect sat in his hand, and Hawk Moth touched a finger to its little butterfly head, attempting to pet it.

“Their miraculouses will not be my goal today,” he informed the butterfly, “no, I have other plans.”

Hawk Moth opened his mouth to continue talking to himself, but stopped once he felt the tingling of negative emotions. He closed his eyes as his Akumatization Window opened. The criminal mastermind focused his energy to pinpoint the location of the target without even bothering to stand up.

“Ah, my favorite part of Valentine’s Day…,” the masked man began as he wrapped his strong, manly hands around the butterfly he was holding. Hawk Moth infused his dark magic into the butterfly, opening his eyes as he found the soon-to-be victim. He released the akuma to pursue its target, and watched as it fluttered out into the world.

“…broken hearts,” Hawk Moth said after an abnormally long pause.

Hawk Moth looked around the room expectantly. After a moment of waiting, he lowered his head and sighed.

That line would have been so dramatic if there had been anyone to see it.

* * *

 

A young woman named Emma stomped out of an apartment building with tear-filled eyes. She was filled with equal amounts of sadness and anger, proving Valentine's Day truly was a day of broken hearts.

She didn’t notice the akuma fluttering towards her glasses until it was too late. Immediately after, a dastardly butterfly outline appeared in front of her face.

“Hello, I am Hawk Moth,” the villain introduced in a friendly and polite tone. “Your heart has been ripped out, on this day, the day of love. I can give you the power to give people new hearts, replacing their selfishness and hatred with love,” he offered, knowing the girl would accept. “You’ll just need to help me with a little… prank I want to pull.”

Emma nodded gently, assuming Hawk Moth could see her.

“Do you accept?” Hawk Moth asked, unable to see her nodding.

“Oh,” she responded in a confused tone. “Yes, I accept.”

Emma was wrapped in black and purple magical energies. After a few moments, the dark magic faded, leaving a supervillain in its wake. The newly-powered girl flew into a nearby clothing store, rushing for the dressing rooms. She stepped into one of the empty rooms so she could see her new appearance.

Emma gasped at her appearance.

The girl now had red, heart-shaped wings, and her body was covered in a lavender-colored spandex suit. On her arms and legs, she had long, purple gloves and boots. On her stomach, there was a red heart, and she was wearing superhero underpants just beneath it. On her face, she wore a pair of black glasses with pink lenses, and her hair had changed from black to blonde.

The newly-formed akuma continued staring at her reflection. “Wow, I look really weird,” she commented, ignorant of how much she offended Hawk Moth with the comment.

“I name you… Love-Maker!” Hawk Moth announced with an annoyed tone, before he realized he probably should have given her a different name.

“Uh… can I get a new name?” Love-Maker requested in the hopes of receiving a more family-friendly name.

Hawk Moth frowned. “No. This name is perfect; you will be making love blossom throughout Paris, and your name needs to fit your theme,” he explained, unwilling to admit he couldn’t think of a better name. “Just go do what you want, and I’ll instruct you further when the time comes,” he added as a final comment.

Love-Maker groaned as she flew out of the clothing store and into the street to begin her quest.

* * *

Hawk Moth opened his Akuma Mobile Wine Cabinet and retrieved a new bottle of wine. He carried the bottle over to his Akuma End Table, right beside his Akuma Recliner. He uncorked the bottle using his Akuma Corkscrew, then took a deep sniff of the wine’s scent.

“After I'm successful in my whole 'supervillain' thing, I should definitely open a vineyard,” Hawk Moth said as he poured some wine into his Akuma Chalice. The villain picked up the chalice, then sat in his recliner.

Hawk Moth smiled as he thought about how Ladybug and the other one would react to his plan.

“This is going to be hilarious if Love-Maker doesn’t screw it up.”

* * *

Love-Maker stood atop a building, hiding behind a chimney as she spied on a school. She had her sights locked on another set of teens she thought would make an adorable couple. She hovered in the air and shot out a heart-shaped beam at the teens, smiling at another job well-done.

“I know love is in the air, but this isn’t what I had in mind,” a boy’s voice joked from behind the akuma.

Love-Maker turned around to see Ladybug and Chat Noir, poised to fight.

The signature butterfly outline appeared over the akuma’s face, signaling to the heroes that Hawk Moth was instructing her. She nodded in understanding multiple times before the outline finally disappeared.

Love-Maker smiled warmly. “May I please have your miraculouses?” She asked politely.

Ladybug and Chat Noir exchanged confused glances. “Uh, _no?_ ” Ladybug replied as she raised a confused eyebrow.

“Oh,” the akuma responded, “that’s fine. Sorry to have bothered you.”

Love-Maker turned around to leave, but stopped when Ladybug called to her.

“Hey, come back here… whatever your name is! We’re not done here,” the heroine asserted, thoroughly baffled by the akuma’s behavior.

Love-Maker looked down on Ladybug both literally and figuratively before she landed on the roof to speak with the heroes. “My name is Love-Maker! I am helping Paris make love for its citizens!” She declared happily, having long since accepted her new name.

Chat giggled at the double entendre, whereas Hawk Moth giggled at the offended look on Ladybug’s face.

Ladybug frowned and narrowed her eyes as she spoke. “Is Hawk Moth even trying anymore?” She said to Chat before she returned her gaze to Love-Maker.

“You wanna try that again?” Ladybug said more as an order than a question.

Love-Maker shook her head in a side-to-side motion. “Hawk Moth just wants the citizens of Paris to be happy today,” she repeated from the mental script Hawk Moth had given her.

Chat continued giggling at the absurdity while Ladybug just stared in disbelief.

“In fact,” the akuma continued as she clasped her hands over her heart, “most people don’t know this, but Hawk Moth is just a solitary lover, aching for companionship and romance…” she said with heartfelt sigh.

There was a moment of silence before Ladybug began giggling as well.

\--------

Hawk Moth started to choke on his wine.

“What the hell-” he coughed out as he tried to regulate his breathing. He swallowed hard. “What the hell is she telling them?”

Hawk Moth put down his chalice then gripped his cane. He furiously jumped from his chair and stomped forward. The center of his lair was the best place to communicate, after all.

“Love-Maker, remember the script! You’re screwing with _them_ , not _me!_ ” The villain reprimanded. “I won’t have you ruining my illustrious reputation as a criminal mastermind!”

Hawk Moth sighed as he rubbed his gloved hand against his face.

“Just get back to the plan or I’ll take away your powers,” he said in a bored tone.

\------------

As the purple butterfly outline faded away once again, Ladybug and Chat Noir knew Hawk Moth must have been talking to Love-Maker.

“Is ol’ Hawky upset that we know his secret?” Chat asked with a smirk.

Love-Maker made a finger-gun with one hand. “Boop,” the warrior of love said as she shot Chat with a Love Beam.

Chat stood in place with his hands guarding his face, but seemingly unaffected by the attack. The cat lowered his arms as he inspected his body for damage. His smirk changed to a grin as he realized he must have an immunity to lasers.

Love-Maker cocked her head in confusion, then looked at her hands, wondering if they malfunctioned.

“But my Love Beams always work…” she muttered as she directed her gaze to Chat. Love-Maker wracked her brain trying to figure out why her attack had no effect. Realization washed over her like a warm bath. She gave an open-mouthed smile before she placed her hands over her heart once again.

“Oh, my god, that’s too cute!” The akuma cooed at the hero.

Back in the Akuma Lair, Hawk Moth violently shook his fists in the air, roaring in rage at how horribly his plan had crashed and burned.

Love-Maker went silent when Chat suddenly gave her a limp punch to the face. Despite his fury, Hawk Moth managed to growl out a laugh at the half-hearted attack.

“Ow, what the hell?” Love-Maker said as she winced in pain.

Chat adopted an awkward posture. “Oh, I’m sorry,” he apologized insincerely, “it’s just… you attacked me… so, I thought we were fighting now,” he said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I didn’t _attack_ you,” the akuma corrected angrily. “I was _helping_ you… by… uh…” she trailed off as she tried to think of a non-aggressive reason for shooting someone with a laser. “Love Kick!” Love-Maker shouted as she kicked Chat in the gut, causing him to make an “oof” sound.

“Gah,” Chat wheezed, the wind knocked out of him. “My only weakness – getting kicked in the stomach!” He said as Ladybug gave him a reassuring pat on the back while the cat hunched forward.

“It’s on, now!” Ladybug declared as she stepped away from Chat and began to spin her yoyo, prepared to launch it at Love-Maker.

Before Ladybug had a chance to begin her attack, Love-Maker shot a Love Beam at the building the trio of fighters were standing on, causing it to shake violently. The villain tried to hover away from the building, only to be grabbed by giant, brick hands, along with Ladybug and Chat Noir.

“I am _aliiiiiive_ ,” a booming voice announced, “for I now have a heart!” The voice continued at a volume loud enough to shatter eardrums, growing in volume as the building began to change into the shape of a man. “It’s all thanks to you, weird flying lady! I love you so much!”

Love-Maker blinked in shock, unable to comprehend the sight before her. “You’re… welcome?” the akuma replied as she covered her ears with her hands.

In the Akuma Lair, Hawk Moth ceased his angry snarling when he realized he now had a building-warrior as a minion of his minion. Thus, it was also his minion.

The living building placed the heroes and villain safely on the ground before he kneeled in front of them.

“Friends! I need a name now,” building-man said to the group, unfazed by the fact that the volume of his voice would cause irreparable hearing loss.

Love-Maker flinched as Hawk Moth began to furiously scream the name “Bill Ding,” somehow drowning out the sound of building-man's voice. She had no reason to disobey the order, even if the name was a bit silly, so she decided to suggest it.

“Bill Ding!”

Love-Maker looked to the side when she heard someone else suggest the name, only to realize she had been too slow. Chat Noir had already yelled out the name.

Hawk Moth resumed his furious snarling.

“Hmm…” Bill Ding hummed as he considered his new name. He knew it was an important decision; changing one’s name is not an easy thing to do, and the new soul had big plans for his life – he was going to be an interior decorator, or a carpenter, perhaps he’d even adopt some orphans. His options were plentiful, and his love limitless.

Ladybug calmly walked over to Love-Maker.

“I’m going to borrow these for a moment,” she said as she stole the akuma’s glasses. Ladybug immediately crushed them in her hands, unwilling to continue with the day.

The spotted heroine opened the purification chamber of her yoyo, and prepared to capture the akuma that fluttered out of the destroyed glasses.

Bill Ding gasped extremely loudly upon seeing Ladybug capture the akuma.

“Miraculous-”

“Ladybug!” The man-building shrieked as he cut off the girl, watching a white butterfly flutter away, “please, don’t restore the city! I don’t want to die!”

Ladybug struggled to finish her sentence, overwhelmed by the sudden sight of Bill Ding hunched in front of her, crying tears of cement. Behind them, Chat was ushering away the de-akumatized and incredibly confused Emma. The young hero decided Bill Ding deserved some privacy in what may be his final moments.

“But, I…I…” Ladybug struggled, trying to find the right words. She looked off towards the city, forcing herself not to cry as she realized Bill Ding was _basically_ a person. “I have to, Bill. Think of how many citizens have been affected by Love-Maker’s weird ability…” Ladybug said as she placed a hand on one of Bill Ding’s giant fingers. “I’m so sorry,” she added in a quiet whisper.

Bill Ding released a deafening sigh as he retracted his arms and stood tall.

“I understand, Ladybug. I know you’re only doing the right thing… I’m sorry too,” he said as he looked towards the Eiffel Tower. It had become his favorite landmark in the short time he was alive.

One final tear of cement fell from Bill Ding’s face. “I’m ready,” he confirmed with a forced smile and closed eyes.

Ladybug also closed her eyes, then looked away, trying to put up as many barriers as she could. “Miraculous Ladybug,” the heroine muttered as she waved her yoyo in the air. Ladybug ignored the sound of Chat and Emma crying softly from behind her.

Magical ladybugs swarmed throughout the city, returning the affected Parisians to normal. The cleansing ladybugs also returned Bill Ding to his original location, and changed him back into a lifeless building.

* * *

The Akuma Lair, and indeed all of Paris, felt inexplicably heavy after Bill Ding’s untimely departure. It was as if a great hero had just been erased from history, and only Hawk Moth, Ladybug, Chat Noir, and Emma knew of his legacy that lasted less than thirty minutes.

Hawk Moth dropped his cane to the floor of his lair. He stood in place with his lips slightly parted, unable to comprehend the events of the day.

“I hate Valentine’s Day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried so hard to get this out before midnight, too. 
> 
> Anyway, I seriously rewrote this akuma like 6 times. I was going to abandon the idea, but I already drew the art and I was not going to waste it. Side note: who knew drawing breasts was so goddamn challenging (that's why most of the akumas are men, btw)? Moving on, I tried making it so the akuma was a good guy, but it ended up being a crappy Volpina clone. I tried writing her tricking Ladybug and Chat Noir into doing embarrassing things then recording, but that was just dumb and neither funny nor interesting. Then I tried using anecdotes to explain why the person got akumatized, but I didn't want to dedicate 3 paragraphs to that. I eventually settled on whatever the hell this chapter was, and I'm satisfied with it. 
> 
> Quick update: this was my last "not _that_ weird idea," so next chapter is going to begin using my _really_ silly ideas.
> 
> Also that "Love Beam" part with Chat was an elaborate reference to the Devilmite Beam. For those of you who do not wish to Google it, the Love Beam turns one's hatred and selfishness to love, and since Chat is _so_ so full of love, the beam did nothing. 
> 
> "When in doubt, make obscure references barely anybody will understand" - Me at 3AM


	4. Hugo Schmitt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawk Moth plays his akuma like a fiddle, Chat Noir deals with some cheesy combat tactics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up to this point, every chapter has kind of been standalone. However, this chapter (and the next few) will all be linked in the first real story arc of this fic. It's going to be so bad, but in a good way.
> 
> See end notes for half-assed akuma backstory.

It was another peaceful day in the beautiful city of Paris. It had been a whopping two days since the last akuma attack, and while some citizens were enjoying the rare amount of tranquility, others dreaded when the next devastating akuma would show its ugly costume.

Hawk Moth sat at his new Akuma Desk. It was located on the opposite side of his Akuma Lair from his Akuma Recliner, since he had a head for business, and knew not to mix business with pleasure.

Unless he was bored, then he would aggressively mix business with pleasure.

“Let’s see… ‘never make an akuma more powerful than I am,’ ‘never tell an akuma where my lair is…,’” the uncomfortably attractive villain read from his list as he flipped through the pages until he reached an empty spot. “And let’s add ‘never make an akuma that can create life’ to my ‘Not To Do’ list,” he said to himself as he wrote in his Akuma Notebook.

Hawk Moth had been previously occupied with external affairs that prevented him from creating akumas. However, the masked madman could only allow such distractions for a limited time; he had a war to win. A very challenging war. A war against children. A war he had been losing.

It was only natural he would take an occasional break from such a grueling objective.

“I know what needs to be done today,” Hawk Moth said as he stood from his desk and grabbed his cane. “I need to screw with people and lie to them for my own benefit!” He decided with a happy (but also evil) smile. “But first…”

Hawk Moth spread his arms into a t-pose, then cleared his throat loudly. “Butterfly Armor!”

The villain’s order caused all the butterflies in the room to flock to his person, covering every inch of his body except for his masked face. The man grinned in delight.

“This would be seriously intimidating in combat,” Hawk Moth wagered to himself as he wore his butterfly armor. “Those two would never know how to defeat me.”

He began laughing evilly, just as he practiced.

Hawk Moth’s laughter ended abruptly when he sensed the negative emotions of a distraught Parisian. He smirked as his Akumatization Window began to open.

“Finally!” he shouted as he shook his body to rid himself of his impenetrable butterfly suit, causing butterflies to flutter about aimlessly. The villain wrapped his sexy, well-defined hands around one of the fluttering butterflies. Hawk Moth closed his eyes and focused his power to locate where to send the akuma, whilst simultaneously infusing his evil essence into the butterfly. It was multitasking at its evilest.

“Ah,” he said as he opened his eyes. “An employee at Le Grand Paris. Perhaps someone who is unsatisfied with their job? I know exactly what to do about that,” the devious villain said to himself as his smirk evolved into a diabolical grin.

Hawk Moth released the akuma to evilize the unsuspecting victim.

* * *

“I’ve been here for _fifteen years_ , and those jerks still won’t promote me!” A man ranted to himself as he stomped out of the hotel. He turned to look back at the building with an angry grimace. “If I was in charge, this place would be _so_ much better…”

The man’s rambling blinded him to the akuma fluttering into his “Hello! I am: Hugo Schmitt” name tag. He was startled when the purple butterfly outline appeared in front of his face.

“Hello, Hugo. I am Hawk Moth,” the masked man introduced from within his lair. “You have been wronged by the workforce of Paris, and denied your right to leadership. If you agree to help me take the miraculouses of Ladybug and Chat Noir, I can make you the Big Cheese of Paris.”

Hawk Moth grinned like an internet troll. He was totally going to play Hugo.

Hugo smiled and pumped his fist in excitement. “You got it, boss. I am a top-notch worker, _and_ I can juggle! Let’s do this!”

After Hugo’s agreement, bubbling purple and black magic consumed him. A moment later, the bubbly magic was replaced with a strong odor and a supervillain. Hugo checked his surroundings to find the source of the stink, but was unsuccessful. As he continued sniffing, his 'gaze' eventually fell to himself.

Hugo 'eyed' his body with a slight frown.

He now had big blocks of golden cheddar cheese for feet, and his thighs were covered in red cheese-wax, whereas his shins were clad in roque-hard Roquefort cheese. From his bellybutton to the base of his neck, a giant white block of provolone cheese had replaced his skin and clothes, and his name tag now had a purple butterfly on it, in addition to his _new_ name. His biceps were covered in the same red wax as his legs, but his forearms had been replaced with white lumps of mozzarella. Hugo’s hands were made of pure cream cheese.

At least that’s what he _would_ have seen; Hawk Moth did not give the akuma eyes. It was funnier that way.

The cheese-man tried to feel his head, but could only feel the shape of a pointed piece of cheese, with a small disk on top. He couldn’t tell which one smelled so strongly of camembert.

****

“I name you… Big Cheese!” Hawk Moth announced as he tried his utmost not to laugh at how stupid the akuma looked. He failed to contain his laughter when Big Cheese tried to walk forwards, only to run into a parked car.

Big Cheese remained silent, aside from a pained grunt. He didn’t realize Hawk Moth meant he would _literally_ make him the Big Cheese. Or that he wouldn’t give him eyes.

“Now go,” Hawk Moth ordered, “show the world what it’s like with you in charge!”

Big Cheese sighed before he charged forth into the city (running into many, many objects whilst attempting to do so). He was abandoning his old, cheese-less life, for a new, cheese-filled life.

* * *

Big Cheese wandered throughout the streets of Paris, flinging gooey cheese all over unsuspecting citizens. Anyone hit with his evil, dairy-based goop was turned into a loyal cheese-worker, intent to meet their quota with no breaks, no requests for pay raises, and perfect teamwork. They were the ideal workers… when he _eventually_ hit them with his Executive Cheese Blast, that is. Aiming with no eyes was challenging.

“That’s the way, cheese-workers. Keep doing a _gouda_ job,” Big Cheese complimented while facing a wall. He chuckled at his own joke.

A silver staff whacked Big Cheese in the side of his cheese-face.

“That pun was a bit _cheesy_ , even for me,” Chat Noir punned as he landed beside Big Cheese. The cat took an offensive stance. He was overwhelmed with guilt when he realized he just attacked a blind… thing.

“I can’t _brie_ lieve you’d say that,” Big Cheese counter-punned with gritted teeth as he took a defensive stance towards a wall.

Big Cheese screeched loudly, using echo-location to survey the surrounding buildings and roadways, before he located and turned towards Chat. Upon hearing their leader’s screech, hundreds of cheese-workers abandoned their workstations and poured out in the streets. Some were made of cheddar, others made of mozzarella, a few were even made of cheesecake. They were truly terrifying foes.

“I don’t sense Ladybug anywhere, so I guess this will be a _cheesy_ win,” Big Cheese said as he formed a solid block of cheddar cheese in his hand, then threw it at where Chat was.

“I already made a ‘cheesy’ joke, and mine was much _sharp_ er,” Chat counter-counter-punned as he sidestepped the cheese attack. He smirked as he shrunk then sheathed his baton, and prepared another cheese pun. “You should consider your next pun… _caerphilly_ ,” he warned as he attempted a flying kick, only for Big Cheese to block it with his strong, cheesy arms.

* * *

“Damn it, why does he know so many cheese puns?” Hawk Moth growled as he gripped his cane tighter. “Big Cheese is losing this fight in multiple ways, and I will not have my name be tarnished with such failures!” He added with a shout. Losing battles of brawn was one thing, but losing battles of wit was not something Hawk Moth could stand for.

Especially not to _Chat Noir’s_ puns.

The Akuma Communication Butterfly Outline appeared in front of Big Cheese’s face. Hawk Moth drank deeply from his Akuma Chalice filled with wine.

“Big Cheese, repeat after me…”

* * *

“Well,” Big Cheese began as he stood as tall as he could, feeling more confident with Hawk Moth in his corner. “If that bothered you, I suppose you’re not _mature_ enough!” Big Cheese insulted as he hit Chat with an uppercut using his free arm.

Chat winced, mostly because of the counter-counter-counter-pun, and not the punch. He knew it would be a difficult pun-battle.

The hero scowled as he prepared to unleashe a cheese-based onslaught.  “I find that notion ab _curd_ , and I think you’re the one who will feel _bleu_ when I’m done with you!” Chat shot out with tenacity and confidence while he clawed Big Cheese’s cheesy arms. Chat's questionable strategy resulted in the cat entrapping himself in the gooeyness of the akuma’s mozzarella forearms.

Big Cheese gasped, for he had not expected such a deadly assault. Neither of the two pun-warriors knew when Ladybug had arrived, or why she was simply watching the pun-fight with a horrified look. Big Cheese opted to ignore her entirely while he sucked in breath, as did Hawk Moth. Despite having two minds, they were struggling to match Chat’s skill with puns. Even with Hawk Moth’s admittedly strong pun skills, Chat was a formidable foe. Hawk Moth cursed within his lair; how could Chat come up with _so many_ cheese puns?

“Y-yeah? Well, uh…” Big Cheese retorted eloquently. “You’ll have to do _feta_ than that, kid. Your terrible puns _grate_ my nerves, and… uh… you’ll need _cheddar_ puns to win!” Big Cheese wiped the cheese-sweat from his ‘forehead’ in relief that he survived another round. He then utilized the “kick Chat in the gut” strategy, as his partner instructed. Hawk Moth knew it was Chat's weakness.

Despite having just been kicked in the gut, Chat Noir relaxed his posture; he knew he had already won, he just needed to deliver the coup de grâce.

“Me, lose to you? That’s a _provolong_ shot; a _muenste_ r like you would need _stiltons_ to reach my level of wit!” The cat declared as he ripped his arms free from their creamy prison. He unsheathed his baton, and extended it into a staff, in preparation for the final blow.

“I won’t camem _bert_ a loss!” The hero proclaimed as he swung hard at Big Cheese. The cheesy boss was forcefully knocked back.

Big Cheese grunted when he collided with a wall, before he fell to his knees. He remained on the ground for a few moments, dazed from the blow. The dairy-man inhaled deeply as he arose.

“Cheese-workers, destroy them!” Big Cheese ordered as he stumbled into a fire hydrant.

“But I won the pun-fight!” Chat whined as he ran from a mob of cheese-workers. He leapt towards Ladybug to take his rightful spot next to his lady.

Ladybug groaned as Chat landed. “He… _did_ out-pun you…,” the heroine agreed, dreading what it would do to Chat’s ego.

As Chat vibrated with excitement, Big Cheese huffed in annoyance.

“Yeah, _sure_ he did,” Big Cheese defended with a scoff. “I wasn’t even _trying_ , girl.”

Chat gasped in disbelief.

Ladybug pat her partner on the head. “It’s ok, kitty. _I_ believe you,” she said with a smile.

“Hey!” Big Cheese roared. “Be professional and keep the flirting to a minimum,” he ordered. The professionally cheesy akuma gave a dejected sigh. “Kids these days…”

Ladybug angrily summoned her Lucky Charm as Chat pondered if a head pat actually counted as flirting. The heroine held out her hands as a red, spotted paycheck fell into her hands.

“It’s made out to ‘Lady Bug,’ and it’s worth zero dollars and zero cents,” Ladybug narrated while she studied the check with narrowed eyes. Her eyes shot open as realization assaulted her like one of Chat’s terrible puns.

Chat Noir suddenly and inexplicably felt offended.

“Hey, Cheese!” Ladybug beckoned as she waved the check in the air. “I _sure hope_ you can still meet your quota with this long of a break!”

Big Cheese’s cheesy heart briefly stopped pumping melted cheese throughout his body. He glanced down at his arm, trying to check his watch for the time, only to remember he had no eyes, and no watch. The dairy-boss had no idea how long _hundreds_ of workers had been on break to fight superheroes.

“N-no… my… m-my…” Big Cheese began before he fell to the ground with slumped shoulders. “My deadlines! My profits! The efficiency of my employees! All ruined!”

If Big Cheese had eyes, he’d be crying tears of pure cheesy goodness.

* * *

Hawk Moth growled furiously as he regretted not giving Big Cheese any form of eyes. The villain could _hear_ the fight, but he could not see it, and Big Cheese was in a similar position. The soft sound of Big Cheese sobbing, coupled with the sound of snapping plastic, was indication enough that Big Cheese had lost the fight and his akuma was about to be purified. When Hawk Moth lost his psychic connection with Big Cheese, it was the final confirmation.

The masked man stood from his incredibly comfortable seat.

“The boy made a grave mistake, today,” Hawk Moth stated coldly as he walked to the middle of his lair. “He and I have been having this… back and forth, ever since Jim. I never took it seriously, but now…”

Hawk Moth was cut off by his Akumatization Window closing, which put his lair into pitch-black darkness. He clapped his hands to turn on his Akuma Lights.

“The cat stole the pun-name ‘Bill Ding’ from me, and now this…,” Hawk Moth said to himself as he clenched his fist and grinded his teeth at the reminder of having the perfect name stolen. “Chat Noir may consider himself a warrior, or a hero… but he is not a master of puns.”

Hawk Moth smiled as he thought of another young individual that he knows is a fan of puns. His smile was quickly replaced with a frown.

“The boy thinks he can out-pun me, does he?” The villain wondered as he lifted his gaze towards his Akumatization Window. Hawk Moth draped his cane over his shoulders and threw his wrists over it. The pose was topped off with a smirk.

It was a pose of _victory_.

“I will show him what a _true_ master of puns looks like.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right. It's a pun arc. 
> 
> I sure hope all those cheeses are pronounced the way I think they are. 
> 
> Backstory for Hugo, written in the "tell, don't show" style.  
> Hugo Schmitt: He is 46 years old, and has been working at the same job for 15 years. It provides a livable wage, but it doesn't provide him an opportunity to move forward. He hasn't gotten a meaningful promotion in 10 years, and dislikes all of his bosses. However, despite his discontent, he still takes pride in his position and doing a good job (even if he wishes he had a more important role). That's why his name tag is what gets infected by the akuma. He also adores efficiency and money.


	5. Lily Muller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chat Noir takes part in a life-changing duel, and Hawk Moth demonstrates his cleverness. Part 2 of the Pun War story arc. Also, there's an actual scene for why a person got upset enough to be akumatized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The word "pun" is written 94 times in this chapter, and this akuma's base idea was suggested by AO3 user "Talvin" in chapter 3 (thanks, friendo!). However, I rewrote a chunk of the character so I could forcefully insert it into the pun story arc, but I just couldn't _not_ use the akuma's name and premise. They pleased me too much.
> 
> See end notes for minor backstory of character.

The Akuma Lair was filled with the sound of pencils scratching against paper, the clanking of glass, and the evil murmurs of a supervillain. Hawk Moth had been working hard to develop as many puns as possible, in preparation of the war he was about to undergo with Chat Noir. The villain was not going to underestimate the cat again, and Hawk Moth always came up with the best puns when he was slightly intoxicated.

“Chat Noir has no idea what I have in store for him,” Hawk Moth monologued to himself with a devious grin. “He only knows me as a charming criminal mastermind, but soon, he shall realize I am _also_ a master of puns!”

Hawk Moth cackled to himself as he read his long list of puns. He was a hardworking man, but more importantly, he was a hilarious man.

“Excellent.”

The evil comedian placed his Akuma Pencil on his Akuma Desk before he picked up his Akuma Notebook and rose to his feet. He marched to the center of his lair, since it was the most dramatic place to wait for someone to be upset enough to akumatize.

“Soon.”

* * *

Hawk Moth was _eventually_ correct. It was only a mere four hours of standing in place before he finally felt the tingling sensation of negative emotion.

“Finally,” he breathed out with an exasperated sigh. Hawk Moth held out his masculine hands, watching as a butterfly gently fluttered into it.

The devious villain infused his evil energy into the insect as his Akumatization Window opened, allowing the Sun to assault Hawk Moth with natural light.

Hawk Moth ignored the enriching light, and remained still as he pondered the capabilities of his akumas.

“I wonder… can you just _find_ the target, all on your own?” He wondered aloud as he eyed his akuma, wishing it would respond.

Hawk Moth chose to ignore his problems. Instead, like a father with unrealistically high expectations, he bestowed the akuma with the responsibility to find the day’s target.

“Go, little akuma! Find today’s target!”

With the order given, the dangerously cute butterfly fluttered through the Akumatization Window, beginning its task.

“Make me proud, little akuma.”

* * *

“So, Lily, what do you think I should name my new kitten?”

Lily smirked excitedly at the question. “I’m not sure yet, Lyle. I’m really…,” she paused to lean in close with raised eyebrows. “… _Mull_ ing it over.”

Lyle sighed.

“Get it?” The girl asked. “Because our last name is-”

“I get it,” Lyle interrupted. “It’s just that your pun was probably the single worst pun to have ever been conceived in the history of France- no, the history of the world,” he explained as he rose from his couch. “In fact, I am ashamed to be your brother.”

Lyle walked out of the room. A moment later, he poked his head back in.

“No offense,” he added with a smirk before departing a final time.

Lily was furious; it was one thing to not appreciate an _amazing_ familial pun, but to mock it with sarcasm? Pure cruelty, and from her own brother, too. She quickly proceeded out of the building.

It was a beautiful day, if perhaps a bit chilly, but that would certainly help her cool off.

* * *

“Stupid brother, stupid cat …,” Lily mumbled to herself as she walked aimlessly down the sidewalk.

Lily continued mumbling, even as a severely stressed-out and slightly lost akuma fluttered into the watch on her wrist. She barely reacted to the butterfly outline which appeared in front of her face.

“I am Hawk Moth,” the self-proclaimed master of puns introduced. “I can feel how misunderstood your humor is, and how much you suddenly hate kittens-”

“I mean, I don’t _hate_ them…” Lily corrected apprehensively.

“Of course,” Hawk Moth carelessly agreed. He knew his response didn’t matter. “Regardless, I can help make the world understand and appreciate your impressive wordplay…” Hawk Moth explained as he twirled his cane from within his lair. He paused for a moment to revel at his skills in persuasion. “… and all you need to do is publicly defeat Chat Noir in a pun duel, as my champion.”

Lily raised an eyebrow in equal amounts of suspicion and confusion. “Um… what?”

“Think about it,” Hawk Moth suggested with a grin from within his lair. “Chat Noir is known for being a champion of puns, and what better way to prove the strength of your puns than by defeating a _champion?_ ”

“Well… I _suppose_ that makes some sense…,” Lily admitted hesitantly. “Let’s go for it, I guess.”

Lily gasped in shock as her body was suddenly covered in purple and black magic. It bubbled over her figure, filling her mind with _evil puns_ and _terrible one-liners_. The magic subsided to reveal Hawk Moth’s newest, and perhaps evilest, creation. The akumatized woman excitedly looked over her own body, since it wasn’t every day that one became a champion for humor.

She was incredibly confused.

Lily’s legs had purple knee-high boots with silver kneecaps, coupled with black pants. Her torso was clad in a white box, with a large purple butterfly drawn on it, and a telephone attached to her chest. The girl’s biceps were uncovered, revealing that her skin color had changed to pink, and each of her forearms had a red pom-pom attached to it with a small, black tire just above it. Atop her head, she could feel a metallic, circular object with some sort of tape hanging off the back.

“Uh… I don’t get the outfit,” Lily confessed to Hawk Moth.

The villainous mastermind chuckled through a grin; that was exactly the response he was hoping for. “Obviously, because _you_ … are Miss Pun-derstood.”

Miss Pun-derstood adopted the largest smile a face could house. “That is _genius_!”

Hawk Moth was pleased to have such an enthusiastic akuma, but was more pleased to have finally received a genuine compliment. “Now, go!” The well-dressed villain ordered. “Find Chat Noir, and pun him into submission! Show the world just how _pun_ derful you truly are!”

Miss Pun-derstood raised her fists in front of her chest in determination. “I will!” She assured simply before charging into the city to begin her search for Chat Noir.

* * *

Hawk Moth poured some wine into his Akuma Chalice as he sat in his Akuma Recliner.  

“I already had wine earlier, but to hell with it,” he decided before taking a deep glug from his fancy chalice. Hawk Moth ceased his revelry when he had a jarring realization. “I forgot to tell her about the miraculouses, and that _other_ thing…”

 The devious master of puns took another sip of his wine. “Ah, well.”

There would be other days to acquire the miraculouses, other days to destroy Ladybug and Chat Noir in a more _literal_ way, and other days _not_ dedicated to puns. But this day was all about Hawk Moth demonstrating his dominance to Ladybug, his butterflies, and most importantly, _Chat Noir_. The deplorable villain smiled as he contemplated the potential outcome of his battle; after all, he had been planning puns for _hours_ …

Hawk Moth took yet another sip of his wine.

“I wonder if I can make Chat Noir cry…”

* * *

Miss Pun-derstood had been unsuccessful in her search. However, it _did_ provide the perfect time for Hawk Moth to give her his list of amazing puns, and explain _the other_ _thing_ , but in the end, she wasn’t an akuma designed for combat, and she couldn’t cause mass chaos easily. Luring out Chat Noir was going to be difficult, Miss Pun-derstood was sure of it.

Or she was, until Ladybug gracefully landed right in front of her.

“Stop right… there...,” Ladybug began before tapering off when she observed the akuma more closely. “Seriously, what is Hawk Moth even doing with these akumas lately?” She asked herself as she shook her head.

“You!” Miss Pun-derstood shouted as she pointed a finger at Ladybug in the most intimidating way possible.

“Me!” Ladybug shot back in the sassiest way possible, before she began spinning her yoyo to indicate it was battle time.

“Wait, wait, wait!” The akuma pleaded as she waved her arms in surrender to indicate it was _not_ battle time. “Where’s Chat Noir?”

The heroine eased her stance. “I… don’t know? Besides, I _think_ I can handle this.”

Miss Pun-derstood sagged her shoulders and sighed in defeat. “So… it’s just you right now?”

Ladybug was somewhat offended at the implication. Before she could berate the akuma, Chat Noir arrived with a spinning jump, landing on all fours. It was _very_ impressive.

“Greetings, my Lady! And…,” Chat paused when he looked at Miss Pun-derstood. “And, uh… I’m sorry, I just don’t get the outfit.”

Miss Pun-derstood immediately grinned like a child on Christmas. “That’s because I… am _Miss Pun-derstood!_ ” She announced as she posed with her hands on her hips. “The world doesn’t appreciate my incredible humor, nor does it understand my amazing wordplay. Hawk Moth will help me fix that!”

Chat’s cat ears drooped against his blonde hair, and his eyes darkened with sadness. He ignored Ladybug’s curious gaze as he approached the akuma.

“Ladybug, there’s no way I can fight this akuma,” Chat admitted as he opened his arms. “She and I are kindred spirits."

Chat ignored the akuma's confused yelp when he suddenly wrapped her in a hug. It was difficult to hug her, given the box she wore, but it did not deter him.

Ladybug sighed at her partner’s theatrics. “What are you talking about?”

Chat turned to his lady to give her his most adorable kitten eyes, but did not stop hugging Miss Pun-derstood. “I understand her pain, and I can’t fault her for it,” he confessed before pausing for dramatic effect. “A life of unappreciated puns?" The leather-clad hero asked as he stopped hugging his enemy.

"It’s… it’s a pain I live through…," Chat began before he turned away in the most dramatic way possible, to stare off into the distance.

“… every single day,” he finally finished with a gentle sigh, ignoring Ladybug’s annoyed groan and Miss Pun-derstood's sad 'aw' sound. The cat walked back to his lady's side, and gave her a solemn look.

Chat promptly replaced his previous expression with his signature Chat Smirk™.

“It’s just so-”

“-punfortunate,” Miss Pun-derstood finished for the boy, causing Ladybug to groan even harder.

Chat quickly turned his confused gaze towards the akuma, wondering how she managed to steal such a clever pun.

“Did you just steal my pun?” The hero asked with a furious glare. Unbeknownst to him, his anger gave way to Hawk Moth’s joy.

Miss Pun-derstood mimicked the Chat Smirk™. “I have the power to sense intent to pun,” the akuma informed the heroes. “Your puns are _useless_ against me!”

Chat gasped in horror. “You _fiend!_ ”

Chat and Miss Pun-derstood engaged one another in a tense, silent stare-off.

_“Seriously!?”_

The cat and the pun machine redirected their gazes to Ladybug, who had broken the silence.

“Why would Hawk Moth even bother to give you such a useless ability?” Ladybug questioned, praying someone could explain Hawk Moth’s logic. “Why not just give you the ability to _turn things into puns_?”

Ladybug’s comment triggered the appearance of the purple butterfly outline over Miss Pun-derstood’s face. The akuma flinched, as if she was being screamed at, before she eventually nodded her head and the outline faded.

“Hawk Moth said you don’t understand because you are, ‘simply too stupid,’” Miss Pun-derstood communicated on Hawk Moth’s behalf.

The sound of Ladybug’s offended scoff was drowned out by the sound of Chat’s much louder, more offended scoff. It turns out Chat _would_ be able to fight Miss Pun-derstood.

“But I’m not here to insult _you_ ,” Miss Pun-derstood said as she pointed a finger at Ladybug. “I’m here to insult _him_ ,” she clarified by pointing at Chat.

Chat took a step backwards, unsure how to react. Most akumas directed their hate towards Ladybug, so it was somewhat strange for one to randomly direct a vague threat at him. It wasn’t unheard of, but it was still unsettling.

“How can we possibly beat someone who can predict my puns?” The boy asked his partner as he stared at his feet.

Ladybug placed a firm hand on Chat’s shoulder before she tilted her head and hummed, pretending to be in thought. “How about we punch her?”

Chat did a double-take at the suggestion. “But what about my pun-honor?”

Ladybug ignored the question, instead focusing on the sudden outline in front of Miss Pun-derstood’s face. Immediately after it faded, the akuma began sprinting down the road. The heroic duo began to chase her, but paused when the akuma suddenly stopped, then gestured towards a bar.

“Sorry,” Miss Pun-derstood apologized insincerely. “I just wanted to go somewhere a bit more _pub_ lic!”

“Oh, yeah?” Chat called in response, unprepared for such a strong pun. Regardless, he was determined not to be out-punned. “Well…”

When Chat didn’t continue his sentence, Ladybug bumped his shoulder. She leaned in to whisper, “…what are you waiting for?”

“She can sense intent to pun,” Chat responded with his own whisper. He kept his gaze locked on Miss Pun-derstood. “I need to wait for the right moment.”

Miss Pun-derstood would not allow him the luxury, and once again pointed at Chat. “I challenge you to a pun duel!” She shouted with fiery determination.

Chat turned his gaze towards Ladybug when he heard her sigh.

“What is a ‘pun duel’?” Ladybug asked the boy, hoping she wouldn’t regret it.

Chat furrowed his brow and frowned. “Pun duels have four turns, two for each warrior,” he explained, ignoring Ladybug’s shake of the head at the word ‘warrior’. “Basically, you have to out-pun your opponent, and neither can reuse puns. She challenged me, so I go first.”

“Why do you know this?” Ladybug inquired further, already regretting her previous question.

Chat responded with nothing more than a smirk.

Chat turned back towards his adversary, and squared his shoulders as he took a less-than-confident ‘battle’ pose, in preparation for his duel. Beside him, Ladybug sighed once again before she took a step backwards, deciding to just let the pun duel happen. It wasn’t like Miss Pun-derstood had _actually_ done anything evil, and was apparently harmless if her power was actually to ‘sense intent to pun’. Even if it _was_ basically cheating to use the ability in a pun duel.

Chat quickly glanced at the bar beside him, then smirked.

“Alco _hold_ it right there, Pun-derstood!” Chat began with an intimidating point of his index finger. “Your wordplay is _pun_ derwhelming at best... so you’re _kitten_ yourself if you think you can beat me!” He continued hesitantly, confused as to why his puns weren’t being intercepted. Perhaps they were just too good.

“Damn, three puns,” Miss Pun-derstood said with a smile as she nodded her head. “That’s pretty good.”

Chat titled his head as his confusion deepened. He straightened his neck before he looked behind him, towards Ladybug. The heroine shrugged in response.

 The cat turned back forward to resume glaring at his enemy. “If you can predict my puns, why are you impressed?”

Miss Pun-derstood gave a mock laugh. “I was only psyching you out earlier, cat-boy! I actually have _no_ powers whatsoever!”

Chat’s dramatic gasp was drowned out by Ladybug’s much louder hybrid groan-slash-sigh sound. If Hawk Moth were physically present, both sounds would have been impossible to hear over his maniacal laughing.

“You fiend!” Chat accused angrily. “You have defiled the art of puns! And to think, I actually sympathized with you!”

Miss Pun-derstood gave a villainous grin, before she pointed to her silver kneecaps. “You’ll be the one _knee_ ding sympathy, because when I’m done with you…,” the dastardly woman easily punned before she raised her forearms. “…you’ll be forced into _pom_ anent re _tire_ ment…,” she then pointed to the film reel on her head. “…and you’ll be _reel_ ing in shame from your defeat!”

Chat staggered backwards, unaware that his distress pleased Hawk Moth. Miss Pun-derstood was a skillful pun-duelist, and she was clearly experienced, given her lack of hesitation. Moreover, her body was a tool for puns. The hero gave a start when Ladybug suddenly threw her arm around his shoulders, and flashed a reassuring smile. He turned towards Miss Pun-derstood, intent to give a strong finish to his duel.

If not for himself, then for his Lady.

Chat morphed his expression into his signature Pun Face™, an expression he wore often. “I suppose your puns aren’t _cat_ bad, even if your claims are a bit ir _rat_ ional…,” Chat began before he pointed to the box Miss Pun-derstood wore. “So, how about we return to _square one_?” He changed the target of his point to the akuma’s boots. “…your puns can be a bit _purple_ xing, but I’ll still give you the _boot!_ ”

Within the Akuma Lair, Hawk Moth howled in anger that Chat had managed to use Miss Pun-derstood’s design against her. Not to mention Chat made five puns in a single round. It was unheard of for novices in the art of puns, but Chat Noir was no novice. Even Ladybug was moderately impressed at the boy, offering him a congratulatory head rub as he breathed heavily, winded from such an intense duel.

But the duel wasn’t over.

Miss Pun-derstood clapped sarcastically. She ceased her clapping to flash the watch on her wrist. “Well done, kitty, but play _time_ is over. I’m here to _watch_ you lose…,” the akuma declared before she pointed to a nearby streetlight. “…but first, I’m going to en _light_ en you on puns…,” she then nodded her head towards the pub she tactically retreated to earlier, whilst she simultaneously placed a hand on the phone attached to her torso. “… since I’m going to raise the _bar_ so high, a _phony_ like you could never compare …”

Miss Pun-derstood paused longer than she intended, panicking as she searched for another pun opportunity. One more pun was all she needed to win, but she was struggling to find one. Her anxiety at possibly _tying_ with Chat Noir was rivaled by Chat’s anxiety that he may actually _lose_ the duel.

As the akuma wildly spun her head in every direction, her eyes eventually landed on the most prominent landmark in the entire city.

Miss Pun-derstood smirked victoriously.

“…and, finally, if I was one of your fangirls, I’d be ashamed that Ei _ffel_ for you.”

Chat fell to his knees, for it was a devastating loss. It didn’t even matter if he could think of twenty puns in one round, since the duel was over. He’d been out-punned, _and_ someone insulted his fangirls. Or him. He wasn’t sure who was supposed to feel insulted.

It only made the loss sting more.

* * *

Hawk Moth nearly suffocated from his intense laughing. He couldn’t see through his tears of joy, and completely ignored the slight guilt he felt, for he had finally achieved a unanimous victory with one of his plans. It was a rare occasion, and one that the villain was _just_ sober enough to enjoy.

“Ha!” Hawk Moth shouted as he leaned forward in his Akuma Recliner, tipping his chalice towards his Akumatization Window. “He should’ve known better than to try to out-pun _me_ ,” he finished with a sinister smirk.

Hawk Moth completely ignored the rest of whatever happened with Miss Pun-derstood, since it was irrelevant, and because the akuma had absolutely zero combat potential. Her loss in ‘combat’ was a certainty. Regardless, Hawk Moth had won. Not the battle of brawn, or the battle of miraculouses, but the battle of wits.

The battle of wits with Chat Noir, at least. Ladybug probably wouldn’t accept a pun duel…

Hawk Moth was snapped from his thoughts when his Akumatization Window magically closed. It signaled that his akuma had been purified almost immediately after the duel, which was disappointing considering the little trooper managed to find Lily all on its own. Despite the purification, Hawk Moth smiled.

He finally won _something_... and Ladybug had given him an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to tally how many puns I wrote, since there's a bunch, but I didn't bother. In fact, I had _even more_ puns, but I couldn't find a good way to force them into the story. Fun fact, that conversation I wrote for the akuma's civilian form was disturbingly close to real conversations I've had with my brothers. Even more fun fact, I actually gave Miss Pun-derstood a box outfit because I didn't want to draw breasts (they're very challenging), but then I realized I can make it into a pun. Then I made most of her outfit a pun. Puns!
> 
> Next chapter will probably be "the deli thing" I sort of hinted at a few chapters ago. It's going to be preeeeeeetty silly. 
> 
> Backstory for Lily, written in the "show, don't tell" style.  
> Lily Muller: She is 23 years old, and likes puns. She also shares an apartment with her brother. Her watch was what got infected by the akuma since it was given to her by her parents when she moved out, so it has sentimental value. That's it. Puns and family. It's a 10/10 backstory, I think.


End file.
